Grab the Plunger!

When I signed up for the school of parenting, I had no idea how extensive an education I was in line to receive. This is no ordinary system organized by mortals. Instructional activities are planned even while you’re not exactly paying attention. Matter of fact, they are ESPECIALLY planned while you’re not exactly paying attention.

Here are some learning samples from the curriculum:

Flushing is good, but when a child takes particular joy in watching little Fisher Price animals go round and round in the water before disappearing, better run at top speed every time you hear a flush . . . and grab the plunger on the way.

After painting a room, never leave a can of paint and a couple of brushes in the hall. While you’re catching a nap on the sofa, children with vivid imaginations might notice that you forgot to paint the furniture.

It’s time to worry when a teenager with a new driver’s permit comes in from her first lesson behind the wheel exclaiming, "I’m alive! I’m alive!"

The bottom cupboard is no place to keep a two-quart can of honey.

Even the top cupboard is not a safe place to hide matches from a child who gets the idea to burn the yarn tassles off his hand-tied quilt so it will be "smoother."

Daddy’s golf clubs and golf balls are not designed for backyard play, particularly if your neighbors have windows.

Never grab a rubber lizard out of the dryer thinking it is actually rubber.

On a wet December morning, when your neighbors wake up to discover their yards are covered with a thousand little plastic wrappers containing little pink puddles, take note. It’s probably best not to mention that you are the proud parent of a thoughtful teenager who decorated their trees with a thousand little candy canes the night before.

And lest there be any doubt . . . never say "yes" when the perfect little girl who lives across the street invites your creative little boy to come over and play. It was HIS idea to mix two dozen eggs with the pile of sawdust, but it was HER idea to feed the mixture to every stuffed animal in the house.

The perfect little girl’s mother never forgave me for that one, but I got even. A couple of years ago, our creative son graduated from college with a degree in art.