Getting a PhD in Mothering

Universities should offer degrees in mothering. For example, a mother with a PhD in mothering would have qualifications.

A PhD in mothering would:

• carry Band-Aids in her purse.


• be able to explain the scientific answer to the question, "How do boogers get in my nose?"


• keep a spray bottle handy containing the solution for removing mustard stains from carpet.


• be able to produce a birth certificate and immunization record on demand.


• never follow a child’s temper tantrum with one of her own.


• write an authoritative paper on how to talk on the phone without being interrupted.


• know how to escape to the bathroom without being noticed.


• demonstrate proficiency in taking a baby’s temperature with a rectal thermometer.


• read a novel in 149 installments.


• fix meals in twelve minutes flat.


• make instant non-fat dry milk taste like real milk.


• stay awake until a teenager gets home from the senior prom.


• plunge a toilet before it overflows.


• give an infant a bath without taking one herself.


• produce enough birthday candles for the party without making a trip to the store.


• clean up throw-up without throwing up.


• smile while nursing a baby at 2:30 a.m.


• remove slivers painlessly.


• know how to braid hair into French braids.


• speak softly when a teenager tiptoes in after curfew to report that he just wrecked the family car.


• never choose the wrong movie at the video store.


• know the order of the colors in a rainbow.


• recite three variations of recipes for play dough.


• publish a thesis on "The Successful Integration of Neighborhood Car Pools."

And . . . the final exam for a PhD in Mothering would be . . . tend five grandchildren for a week while their mother takes a vacation.